Your four-year-old asks for a cookie before dinner for the third time. You’ve already said no twice. Now she’s melting down on the kitchen floor, and you’re standing there wondering: should you hold the line like your strict parents did with you, or is there a better way? You remember how your own childhood felt under rigid rules, but you also worry that too much leniency creates entitled kids who never learn boundaries.
The question of whether strict parents actually benefit children is more complicated than simple yes or no answers. After working with hundreds of families at Apple Tree Pre-School BSD, we’ve seen every parenting style imaginable and their outcomes. The truth? Strict parents aren’t inherently good or bad, but the specific ways strictness shows up makes all the difference between raising resilient, confident children and creating anxious, rebellious ones.
Here’s what we’ve learned: it’s not about being strict versus permissive. It’s about being authoritative, which combines high expectations with high warmth. Let’s explore what research and real classroom experience tell us about strict parents and discover the sweet spot that actually works.
Understanding What Strict Parents Really Mean
Before we can evaluate whether strict parents benefit children, we need to define what “strict” actually means. The word means different things to different people.
The Spectrum of Strict Parenting
When most people say strict parents, they’re usually describing one of two very different approaches. Some mean parents with clear rules, consistent consequences, and high expectations but also warmth and explanation. Others mean authoritarian parents who demand obedience without question, use punishment frequently, and rarely explain their reasoning.
The difference between these two is enormous. The first produces confident, self-disciplined children. The second often creates either overly compliant kids who struggle with decision-making or rebellious teenagers who reject all authority.
At our Educenter BSD Building campus, we see both types. The children of “strict but warm” parents typically adjust well, follow classroom routines, and still show creativity and independence. Children of rigidly authoritarian strict parents often struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, or unexpected defiance.
What Research Says About Strict Parents
Psychologist Diana Baumrind identified four parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved. Here’s the thing, what we typically call “strict parents” often falls into the authoritarian category, but what actually works best is authoritative parenting.
Authoritarian (overly strict parents):
- High demands, low responsiveness
- Rules without explanation
- Punishment-focused discipline
- Little warmth or flexibility
Authoritative (healthy structure):
- High demands, high responsiveness
- Clear rules with reasoning
- Consequences with teaching
- Warmth combined with boundaries
Decades of research consistently show that authoritative parenting produces the best outcomes. Children raised this way tend to have better academic performance, stronger social skills, higher self-esteem, and lower rates of depression and anxiety.
The Cultural Context of Strict Parents
In Indonesia and many Asian cultures, strict parents are often more normalized and even celebrated. There’s cultural value placed on respect, obedience, and family hierarchy. This isn’t inherently problematic, but how it’s implemented matters enormously.
We serve families from diverse cultural backgrounds at Apple Tree. Some parents grew up with very strict parents and want to replicate that. Others grew up the same way and are determined to do differently. Both perspectives are valid starting points for finding your own balanced approach.
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The Potential Benefits When Strict Parents Get It Right
Let’s be fair and look at what strict parents can do well when their strictness comes from a place of love and wisdom rather than control.
Clear Boundaries Create Security
Children actually crave structure. When strict parents provide consistent, predictable rules, children feel secure. They know what’s expected, what happens when they meet or miss expectations, and that someone is reliably in charge.
In our Nursery class with 20 children, we see this daily. The kids who thrive most have parents who maintain consistent routines at home. Bedtimes don’t shift randomly. Meal times are regular. Screen time has clear limits. This structure from somewhat strict parents translates into children who handle transitions better and show less anxiety.
High Expectations Promote Achievement
Strict parents typically have high standards for their children’s behavior, academic performance, and character. When these expectations are reasonable and age-appropriate, they can motivate children to reach their potential.
We’ve noticed in our Kindergarten 1 and 2 programs that children of moderately strict parents often show strong work ethic. They persist when tasks are challenging because they’ve learned that effort matters and that adults expect their best.
Respect for Authority Matters
Children need to learn that not every rule is negotiable and that some authorities, like teachers, deserve respect. Strict parents who model respectful authority (rather than authoritarian control) teach children to function successfully in structured environments like schools.
Our Singapore curriculum covering Mathematics, English, Science, and other subjects requires children to follow instructions, wait their turn, and respect classroom guidelines. Children who’ve learned appropriate respect for authority at home typically adjust more easily.
Delayed Gratification Skills
Strict parents usually don’t give in to every request. Learning that “no means no” and that wanting something doesn’t mean getting it immediately builds crucial delayed gratification skills.
This shows up constantly in our programs. During snack time, some children can wait patiently for everyone to be served before eating. Others grab immediately. The difference often traces back to whether parents maintain boundaries around waiting and patience.
The Serious Downsides When Strict Parents Go Too Far
Now let’s look at the other side, because this is where many well-meaning strict parents accidentally create problems they never intended.
Anxiety and Fear-Based Compliance
When strict parents rely heavily on punishment, anger, or intimidation to enforce rules, children comply out of fear rather than understanding. This creates anxiety and damages the parent-child relationship.
We can spot these children in our classrooms. They’re often perfectionists who fall apart over small mistakes. They constantly seek approval and become distressed if they think they’ve done something wrong. They’re so focused on avoiding punishment that they struggle to take creative risks or think independently.
Damaged Parent-Child Relationship
Overly strict parents sometimes prioritize obedience over connection. When children feel their parents don’t listen to them, dismiss their feelings, or value compliance more than relationship, trust erodes.
In our Moral and Social Studies curriculum, we teach about feelings and relationships. It’s heartbreaking when a child says things like, “I can’t tell my parents when I’m sad because they’ll be mad” or “My parents don’t want to hear about my day.” Strict parents who close off communication often regret this deeply during the teenage years.
Rebellion and Sneaking
Here’s a pattern we’ve seen repeatedly: extremely strict parents often end up with rebellious teenagers. Children who feel controlled rather than guided eventually push back, sometimes dramatically.
Even in preschool, we see early signs. Children with very strict parents sometimes lie more, hide mistakes, or behave very differently at school than at home. They’re learning that honesty isn’t safe, which is the opposite of what parents want.
Poor Decision-Making Skills
When strict parents make all the decisions and don’t allow children age-appropriate choices, kids don’t develop their own judgment. They become either overly dependent on authority figures or reckless when unsupervised because they’ve never practiced decision-making.
In our Kindergarten programs, we give children appropriate choices throughout the day. Some children freeze when given choices because they’re not used to it. They keep asking, “What should I do? What’s the right answer?” They’ve learned to look outward for direction rather than developing internal judgment.
Stunted Emotional Development
Very strict parents often dismiss or punish emotional expression. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” or “Don’t be angry” teaches children to suppress rather than manage emotions.
Our teachers spend significant time on emotional literacy in our classes. We teach children to name feelings, express them appropriately, and develop coping strategies. This work is harder for children whose strict parents don’t allow emotional expression at home.
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Finding the Balance: Authoritative Rather Than Authoritarian
So if being overly strict creates problems but permissiveness doesn’t work either, what’s the answer? Welcome to authoritative parenting, the research-backed sweet spot.
High Expectations Plus High Warmth
Authoritative parents, unlike purely strict parents, combine structure with warmth. They have rules and consequences but also explanations and affection. They expect a lot but also provide lots of support.
This is honestly the approach we try to model at Apple Tree. In our classes from Toddler (with 12 children) through Kindergarten 2, we maintain clear expectations and consistent routines. But we also laugh, hug, listen, and adapt when needed. Structure and warmth aren’t opposites; they’re partners.
Explain the Why Behind Rules
Unlike strict parents who demand blind obedience, authoritative parents explain reasoning. “We don’t hit because it hurts people and damages friendships” is more effective long-term than “Because I said so.”
In our English, Bahasa, and Chinese classes, we constantly explain why we have certain rules. Children who understand the purpose behind expectations are more likely to internalize values rather than just memorize rules.
Consequences That Teach, Not Punish
There’s a difference between consequences and punishment. Consequences are logical, related to the behavior, and focused on learning. Punishment is often arbitrary, harsh, and focused on making the child suffer.
Punishment mindset (overly strict parents): “You didn’t clean your room, so no TV for a week and you’re grounded.”
Consequence mindset: “You didn’t clean your room, so we won’t have time to watch TV together tonight because we’ll need that time to clean it together.”
The second approach teaches responsibility and maintains connection. The first creates resentment.
Age-Appropriate Autonomy
Effective parents gradually release control as children demonstrate responsibility. Strict parents sometimes keep the same tight control regardless of age, which prevents children from developing independence.
At Apple Tree, we adjust our approach based on developmental stage. Our 1.5-year-old Toddler students need very different structure than our 5-to-6-year-old Kindergarten 2 students. The same should be true at home, with increasing autonomy matching increasing capability.
Listening and Validating Feelings
Here’s what separates authoritative parents from just being strict parents: they listen. Even when the answer is no, they acknowledge their child’s perspective and feelings.
“I can see you really want that toy. It’s frustrating when we can’t have something we want. The answer is still no because we already have toys at home, but I hear that you’re disappointed.”
This approach maintains the boundary while preserving the relationship and teaching emotional intelligence.
Practical Strategies for Balanced Parenting
Let’s get practical. How do you avoid the pitfalls of overly strict parents while still maintaining necessary structure?
Pick Your Battles Wisely
Not everything needs to be a rule. Strict parents sometimes have rules about everything, which is exhausting for everyone. Decide what truly matters for safety, values, and family functioning. Let other things go.
Does it really matter if socks match? If lunch gets eaten in a different order? If the blue shirt gets chosen over the red one? Save your energy and authority for things that actually matter.
Create Collaborative Rules When Possible
For non-safety issues, involve children in creating rules. “What do you think would be a fair rule about tablet time?” Children are more likely to follow rules they helped create.
We do this in our Physical Education and Creativity classes. When children help create the guidelines for using materials or taking turns, they have ownership and police themselves.
Use Natural Consequences
Let reality teach when it’s safe to do so. Strict parents often rescue children from natural consequences or add additional punishment. Sometimes the natural consequence is enough.
Forgot to pack your toy for school? You won’t have it to play with at free time. That disappointment is the lesson, no lecture needed.
Repair After Conflicts
Unlike very strict parents who maintain distance after discipline, authoritative parents reconnect. After a consequence or difficult moment, circle back with affection and reconnection.
“That was hard earlier when I had to take the marker away. I know you were frustrated. I still love you. Want to read a book together?”
Cultural Considerations for Strict Parents in Indonesia
We work with diverse families in BSD, and we see how cultural context shapes parenting approaches. Let’s address this thoughtfully.
Respecting Cultural Values While Adapting
Many Indonesian and Asian families come from traditions of strict parents and hierarchical family structure. There’s real value in respect, family loyalty, and behavioral standards. You don’t have to abandon your culture to parent effectively.
The question is how to maintain cultural values while also incorporating what we know about child development. You can teach respect without demanding blind obedience. You can maintain family hierarchy while also listening to children’s perspectives.
The Pressure of Extended Family
Sometimes parents feel caught between their own instincts and pressure from grandparents or extended family who expect strict parents. “You’re too soft! We were strict and you turned out fine!”
This is genuinely challenging. It helps to remember that “turning out fine” isn’t the only goal. We want children who are thriving, not just surviving. And honestly, many adults raised by very strict parents carry wounds they’re still healing.
Modern Challenges Different from Past Generations
Today’s children face pressures that strict parents from previous generations never imagined. Social media, academic competition, global connectivity, these create different challenges requiring different approaches.
Being as strict as parents were 30 or 40 years ago might not address the actual needs of today’s children. Adaptability is part of wise parenting.
What We See Working at Apple Tree Pre-School BSD
After years of working with families, here’s what we consistently observe creates the best outcomes.
Consistent, Predictable Structure
Children thrive when they know what to expect. Not because they’re controlled by strict parents, but because predictability creates security.
In our programs covering everything from Music to Mathematics to Science, we maintain consistent routines. Children know what comes next, what’s expected, and what happens if expectations aren’t met. This isn’t about being strict; it’s about being reliable.
Warm, Responsive Relationships
The children who flourish most have parents who are both consistent AND affectionate. Structure plus warmth. Expectations plus support.
We try to model this in every interaction. Yes, we have rules and boundaries in our classes with 16 to 20 children depending on the program. But we also have hugs, laughter, encouragement, and lots of “I see you working so hard!”
Teaching Over Controlling
Our goal isn’t compliance; it’s competence. We’re teaching children to make good choices, not just follow directions. This requires a different approach than strict parents typically use.
In our Moral curriculum, we focus on helping children understand why kindness, honesty, and respect matter. We want them to choose these behaviors because they’ve internalized the values, not because they fear punishment.
Moving Forward: Your Parenting Path
If you recognize yourself as leaning toward being one of the strict parents, you might be feeling defensive right now. That’s okay. The fact that you’re reading this article shows you care deeply about getting parenting right.
Self-Reflection Questions
Ask yourself honestly:
- Do my children come to me when they’re struggling, or do they hide problems?
- Do I value obedience more than I value our relationship?
- Am I strict because it’s truly best for my child, or because I’m controlling or anxious?
- Do my children show age-appropriate independence and confidence?
- Can my children express feelings safely, or must they suppress emotions?
Your answers will guide you toward what might need adjusting.
Small Shifts Make Big Differences
You don’t need to overhaul everything overnight. Strict parents who make small shifts toward more warmth, explanation, and listening often see significant improvements quickly.
Try one small change: this week, when you say no to something, add a brief explanation and acknowledgment of feelings. That’s it. Notice what happens.
It’s Never Too Late
Whether your child is in our Toddler program or Kindergarten 2, whether they’re 18 months or six years old, it’s never too late to adjust your approach. Children are remarkably resilient and forgiving when they see parents trying.
The Bottom Line on Strict Parents
So, are strict parents good for children? The answer is nuanced. Parents who combine clear expectations with warmth, explanation, and respect create the best outcomes. Parents who are rigidly controlling, punishment-focused, and emotionally distant often create anxiety, rebellion, and damaged relationships despite good intentions.
The goal isn’t to be strict or permissive. It’s to be authoritative, combining the structure children need with the warmth and respect they deserve. It’s entirely possible to have high standards while also having close, connected relationships with your children.
At Apple Tree Pre-School BSD, we partner with parents to create environments where children can be both well-behaved and joyful, both respectful and confident. Our comprehensive Singapore curriculum covering English, Mathematics, Chinese, Creativity, Science, Bahasa, Moral, Music, Physical Education, and Phonics is delivered with both structure and warmth.
Looking for a learning environment that balances expectations with nurturing care? Our programs from Toddler through Kindergarten 2 at the Educenter BSD Building help children grow smart and happy. Discover how we partner with parents to raise confident, capable children or call us at +62 888-1800-900.Join us at Apple Tree where structure meets warmth and children flourish! 🍎
